life is the bee's knees

8.59pm  a day after my results came out and my grant supervisor has finally contacted me to arrange a meeting with–my? his?–HOD. the words "be prepared to join us anytime" were mentioned too so you best bet my anxiety came soaring through the roof. it didn't help that it also brought up the fact that i still haven't bothered to update my resume like i intended to after my exams were done. i had more than a month to do that, and i still haven't done it. i'm just lucky that he didn't ask me to bring it and just wanted my transcript. or else i'd be feeling even worse. the only comfort i have is that i figured out the commute by train if i ever need to get myself down to the office. this is, of course, assuming i'll be located at hq. if they suddenly decide to locate me elsewhere, then i'll have that to worry about all over again but even my anxious ass has decided to keep those nerves for later. 9.35pm never mind i finished updating my resume and ...

really getting into the feel of blogging again because after my finals ended, i don't really have a reason to do long-form typing which leaves my keyboard sadly under-utilised. i mean, what am i supposed to do? update my resume? ... oh god i should really get on that. oh well. i'm especially enjoying typing right now because i'm on my period which means my nails are painted and they look super good typing. or doing anything really. my hands just look really nice right now. anyway the other day i tweeted about how it feels like i'll never be able to fully embrace adulthood and i think that's apparent. and that's probably not the only tweet i've tweeted about things along those lines lmao in my head i'm still nineteen. when i have friends in stable jobs, talking about getting married and when i'm literally about to turn twenty-three in 6 months. i mean at this point in my sister's life, she had already been married for about a year and just gave bi...

hello i am here coming to you at the end of the day of when i sat for my APM exam. this will (hopefully) be my last exam ever before i start work. i would like to just get my thoughts out so that something exists in perpetuity to remind me of how i felt about this session's exams. just in the off chance that i might need it when results come out this mid-july. sbl was a breeze compared to apm. i finished way too early which worries me. but i think i left the exam room feeling like i truly did my best with all the requirements. i tried to hit the half way point in terms of mark allocation for every single requirement and with the extra time i had, i went beyond that in some places as well. apm... i think my dad was right in suggesting i was overconfident. i studied, i did Qs, maybe not as much as i should have. throughout the whole time i was doing it, i kept thinking there was no way what i wrote fulfilled the requirements but i couldn't figure out what else i was supposed to d...

someone i follow quote tweeted this tweet with their red flags and i resonated too much with some of hers that it it was inevitable i'd try to think deeper about my own red flags LMAO this honestly pains me to do which i guess indicates a red flag in itself which is my inability for introspection and to admit i'm anything less than perfect. all that leads to my next red flag which is feeling extremely defensive whenever i'm confronted with something i may have done that made someone feel something negatively.  i am also deathly uncomfortable with confrontation so if i feel like someone is mad at me, i will say nothing to the point where the friendship dies out but i think i'm getting better at that because i have recently built myself up to ask two different friends about what i felt was them being standoffish. both of them said they weren't aware they were being standoffish which i guess is indicative of another red flag in that i'm constantly anxious that peop...

so it's coming into two weeks of my time back at uitm and OF COURSE it's not as bad as i was worrying about in my last blogpost. it never is lol but i needed to vent so sue me.  it's actually been really great because i'm getting so many steps in. i'm clocking in an average of like, 5k steps everyday. it's awesome. i'll have to tell Z he was right that i could just make myself like all the walking that i initially complained about in the first few days i was here. but i suck at telling other people they're right lmao what the hell is wrong with me. i'm still gonna try though, in the name of GROWTH. i've also been enjoying the company of N and W and their "onz" attitudes lmao re: our karaoke session yesterday that was absolutely following our whims after a great day of studying that's also another thing i've been (kinda) enjoying. despite being super comfy at home, i have also enjoyed the study sessions in the 24-hour room and on...

honestly speaking, this week has been great so far but of course my tendency to overthink things and stress has begun already because i'm thinking about how i'll finally have to go to physical classes next week which just feels so fucking soon and i'm incredibly upset about it. i kinda hate everything about having to go back to uitm–the commute, the having to be ferried around all the time, having to figure out transportation plans and inconveniencing people because i don't drive/have a car. it just fucking sucks but also i know i'm privileged enough to be able to participate in online classes because i have the resources to do it comfortably and my family is pretty understanding about me being holed up in my room for classes. i know other people are not as lucky which is why there was some demand to return to physical classes. but at this point, it has been more than two years of online classes for me and despite my issues in the early days, i've come to treasu...

AUG 5: this is a random post i am writing up because i wanted to get a video of me typing on my mechanical keyboard hehehehe not gonna lie it's the only thing that is making doing my studying bearable. just the feel and sound that comes out of me typing on it... SATISFIES ME SO MUCH sometimes i can't believe that some people prefer membrane keyboards that make no sound and aren't as tactile but i guess the world is made up of different people and it's important to understand that. but it just sounds so good!!!!!! and feels even better hehehehe i feel like i'm so much more productive when i hear that clicky clacky noise eheheheh like i'm doing important shit when really most of the time i'm just randomly typing shit like this blogpost that will not matter to anyone  with that, i would like to include a link to a video that pleased me immensely and i hope one day i can reach this level of thocc UPDATE SEPT 15: i come back to inform you that i have successfully...