life is the bee's knees

it's been a while (awhile?) i'd like to say i've been busy but i'd be lying. what i've really been doing is wasting away on my bed for a big part of my days > waking up to showerprayeat > sit on the couch and waste away with my zaim. i feel like ever since i've been done with school i've just lost all my confidence which is why i've been pushing off getting a job. i could very well be getting a job what with the mrt and stuff. makes things a lot easier but.............. idk idk. how does one even apply for a job? i'm just very unsure about a lot of things in my life right now and i don't like it because it feels like the ground could collapse under me at any moment and it makes me anxious idk idk. i also feel like i've been ruining my relationships with some people lol. talking about it is embarrassing even though i know nobody is going to be reading this. anyway, i feel like crap about it but i'm also too proud to say anything firs...

i feel like poop. i've been feeling like poop the entire afternoon. i tried to study addmaths but i didn't understand a thing and then i felt even more like poop. i didn't feed myself which made me feel physically like poop and i didn't drink any water the entire afternoon so that probably also contributed to me feeling like poop. i'm thinking about my classmates and how they're going to do significantly better than me tomorrow so i feel even poopier. and then all the not nourishing myself gave me a headache, further intensifying how poopy i feel. realising how terrible i am at taking care of myself also made me feel like poop. and now, i'm just tired and i want to sleep but i know i need to study so all this guilt is making me feel like poop.

oh khairin. how typical of you to be here, sitting at your desk, books spread out in front of you only to completely ignore them in favour of whining about your problems on a blog with only one constant visitor–you. honestly, it's been a year and 4 months since i've started learning additional mathematics and i still have basically no idea what i'm doing. i have this problem where i can do it just fine in class but when i study i'm completely lost. and don't even get me started about how i do in exams. it's soooo unfair how quiet it ~ suddenly~ getsin my mind whenever i flip that test paper open. how do my classmates do it? how do they know what to do, what steps to take, what the question is even asking for?????? it completely baffles me. i'm torn between accepting the fact that maybe, just maybe me and addmaths are enemies for life. but i can't ignore that tiny, niggling voice in my head saying,"you wish you were good at this, you're envious ...

... and i hate it omg!!! as if i wasn't already under enough stress to understand all my lessons this year!!! as if i didn't already feel like crap about myself!!! thank u standardized education!!!

i dont even get that expression anymore. everything is hard and stressful and i sleep but im still a little tired sometimes and just- things are difficult and it sucks that it mostly has to do with school. honestly, school is the only reason im ever stressed and it sucks because thats literally where i spend the majority of my time at this point in my life and it sucks it sucks it sucks because i hate it and i hate having to do things i dont like and things that dont matter and things that make me feel bad about myself and i hate how it makes me feel. it makes me feel like tearing my hair out and crying and it makes me feel like nothing and even though i know its not gonna matter how i did in school in the long run, it matters right now and right now is where i am and its just- it sucks to be surrounded by people who arent affected by it as i am and people who are good at the whole standardised education thing. all i want to do is sleep but i cant because if i sleep im gonna feel even ...

assalamualaikum. i performed in front of a bunch of people and got so nervous i messed up a little lel.  i discovered that chinese pasar malams and exist and they sell way better stuff than any of the regular pasar malams i've been to (excluding bazar karat bcs i don't consider it a pasar malam and also, sentimental value). despite it all, it was a good experience and a lovely day. here is a visual summary: yay! oh and guess what? i hit 100 subscribers on youtube and achieved my dream of being a proud owner of a custom url. i am now youtube.com/khairinzahran and no longer a mess of letters and numbers. it's all thanks to uncle patrick (mama's boss) whom i met at the shindig. he gave me a shout out and made it happen in one night. whoo!   that's it for now. bye!  (also!!! ksya and buboo are coming home tomorrow midnight i'm ecstatic!!!!!!!)

i kept track of all the dreams i could remember (because i don't remember that many.)  ALL MISTAKES ARE CAUSED BY THE FACT THAT I LITERALLY JUST WOKE UP WHEN WROTE THESE DOWN. written on 4/10.  last night i dreamt that i was in this huge makeup store or smtg and i talked to taylor swift and i asked her what lip colour would look best on me and she said "butter" which, i was like wtf. but then there was this wall of lip product and butter was one of the nude shades. lmao. written on 7/10.  i dreamt that me and caitlyn became friends again somehow and we had what could either be chemistry class or potions because i'm pretty sure i saw fred and george and hermione. written on 12/10.  i was trapped in this place i didnt know after following tom (from tom and jerry) climb a mountain. and then i was sneaking around and it was so nerve wracking because i was probably gonna die if anyone caught me. luckily i saw this door so i went through it and it turns o...