life has not been the bee's knees

i dont even get that expression anymore. everything is hard and stressful and i sleep but im still a little tired sometimes and just- things are difficult and it sucks that it mostly has to do with school. honestly, school is the only reason im ever stressed and it sucks because thats literally where i spend the majority of my time at this point in my life and it sucks it sucks it sucks because i hate it and i hate having to do things i dont like and things that dont matter and things that make me feel bad about myself and i hate how it makes me feel. it makes me feel like tearing my hair out and crying and it makes me feel like nothing and even though i know its not gonna matter how i did in school in the long run, it matters right now and right now is where i am and its just- it sucks to be surrounded by people who arent affected by it as i am and people who are good at the whole standardised education thing. all i want to do is sleep but i cant because if i sleep im gonna feel even worse about myself when i wake up because why cant i just sit at my desk for more than five minutes without feeling drained. i am stressed and demotivated and tired of feeling stressed and demotivated. bye ill be back with positivity and proper punction soon because all will pass and i will be okay.

update: after a few hours of self-reflection, i think i mightve come to the conclusion that i dont hate school or learning at all, i just hate exams and studying things i domt like and the unavoidable way i compare myself to everyone and how i generally feel like crap when i get my results and the overwhelming guilt i feel at the fact that i dont do anything to change that. either way i do not feel any better yet.