i have an addmaths test tomorrow. woe is me.

oh khairin. how typical of you to be here, sitting at your desk, books spread out in front of you only to completely ignore them in favour of whining about your problems on a blog with only one constant visitor–you.

honestly, it's been a year and 4 months since i've started learning additional mathematics and i still have basically no idea what i'm doing. i have this problem where i can do it just fine in class but when i study i'm completely lost. and don't even get me started about how i do in exams. it's soooo unfair how quiet it ~suddenly~ getsin my mind whenever i flip that test paper open. how do my classmates do it? how do they know what to do, what steps to take, what the question is even asking for?????? it completely baffles me.

i'm torn between accepting the fact that maybe, just maybe me and addmaths are enemies for life. but i can't ignore that tiny, niggling voice in my head saying,"you wish you were good at this, you're envious of your classmates who have no problem with understanding this."

and this is detrimental to my emotional wellbeing. no joke. okay maybe i'm over exaggerating. but really!!!! it tears me apart, wanting to give up and just not care and not resent myself so much for not being able to understand and at the same time wanting to try even at the risk of feeling worse about myself if i fail.

someone point me to the bare minimum i have to do to not fail addmaths for my spm bcs despite not wanting to do anything relating to it in uni and it not being compulsory for me to even pass to get my sijil, i still aparently detest myself enough to want to try despite the agony i'd inevitable have to put myself through.