post-spm troubles

assalamualaikum.

i've been meaning to write this blogpost for a while now but never actually got around to it because, well, i'm me.

my heart has been heavy recently because i've been (over)thinking about my future and what i want to do in life and who i am as a person and all the ways i seem to fall short of the mark and tf it's too early for me to be having an existential crisis?!?!?

visual representation of my mind

idk if everyone else is struggling with this but things kinda went downhill for me after spm. graduating high school meant i lost basically what was my only constant in life. almost every day, i could expect to wake up early, have cik omar pick me up, see familiar faces, eat familiar food at 10:20am like clockwork, spend approximately six hours at school by a schedule that was prepared for me, and go home tired, but the good kind of tired. and now, all of that, gone. losing all that has shaken the confidence i had in myself and now i mostly just feel uncertain and demotivated. i guess i've lost my comfort zone. now, i have to face the reality of growing up and having to make decisions for myself. almost whatever i choose to do now is up to me. and that's kinda scary.
my friends have all been getting their driver's licences and getting jobs and idk i guess i've kinda been feeling inadequate. i thought i wasn't the type to try too hard to live up to society's expectations, but look at me now lol. it's not even a big deal. i don't have to get my driver's licence—i don't particularly need one—so why do i feel so crappy about not doing what everyone else is doing? not to mention this has also led to me not hitting my friends up to hang out for fear of having to feel crap about myself. 

same

anyway this is like, nothing compared to what i really wanted to write and how much of a mess i am right now emotionally speaking, but it's 2am and i'm tired and my head kinda hurts now so i'll be back soon.