post-spm results

assalamualaikum.

i've begun my quest of applying for as many scholarships as i can.

the bad thing about this is throughout this "quest" of mine, there have been multiple instances where i had to face the reality that my results are just not good enough for some of these scholarships. i mean, it sucks yeah, but i've also realised that it doesn't make me feel as bad as i would've felt a year ago and that's always a good thing because form 4-early form 5 me was a raging ball of self-doubt lol

i had a look at my examination results from 2015-2016 and i was shook. i don't think i ever really realised how much i improved in the span of two years until now so i suppose not all is bad. i'm still very proud of myself and the results i managed to receive though i do wished i worked a little bit harder on those Bs and A-minuses in my results lol. things would be much easier if i had. oh well, no use crying over spilt milk.

another thing i've had to encounter is the surprising truth that i was not very active in my extra-curricular activities. this is surprising to me because it really, honest to God, felt like i did a lot more than what happens to be the reality. and that kinda sucks ://// because how are all these scholarship people suppose to see that i am a worthy candidate and that they should give me their money if i didn't do anything for my extra-curricular activities??????? anyway, i don't know what caused me to think i accomplished more things than i actually did but i'm trying not to dwell on it because i know it will eat me alive

i suppose i was a very diligent student in the way that i was always ready to help my teachers had they asked but..... that's not really an achievement is it? thinking about it still makes me happy though. i'm glad that was the kind of student i turned out to be regardless of the fact that i haven't got many extra-curricular achievements under my belt that i could boast about.

the third thing i seem to be coming to a realisation about is that i am a very lazy person. i've done a stellar job so far of staying away from scholarships that require essays or mailing documents skhwkjdhfjkj i'm terrible. the possibility of putting in all that hard work and getting rejected just makes me want to groaaaaaaaan also, all the deadlines are so close which makes me even more lazier kdjodvodhjdv 

on the other hand, i've been pretty consistent with my chores and i can now whip up a mean brownie in under half an hour (excluding baking time) so i suppose i'm not the worst person in the world (although my own overthinking might make me think differently)

the entire premise of this post is me highlighting all my current issues and countering them with ways that i'm not so bad ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ hahahahahahahahahahaha i feel like there's a meme for this