this is not what i wanted

D-11 from finals

my exams at the exam centre have just been cancelled and i stand to be offered to sit for it remotely invigilated. i just ran the system test and by all intents and purposes, i have fulfilled all requirements and should be good to go on taking it.

which is why there is this small, hard ball of guilt settling at the bottom of my stomach.

it started with launching one morning class in bed and it snowballed into barely comprehending anything i hear during online classes. i don’t know how i let it get this far. especially considering i’m privileged enough to have sufficient tech and a strong enough connection to join online classes with minimal issues.

but where am i left right now?

feeling guilty about feeling selfish. wanting the exams to be completely cancelled so i have an absolutely concrete reason to not take them, absolving me of having to do the exams when i’m unprepared through no fault but my own. 

aside from the guilt, i don’t even know how to sort out the rest of the emotions i was/am feeling.

before the announcement i was feeling hopeful that the exams would be cancelled and guilty that i was hoping for that and resigned that they wouldn’t be and anxious that i would fail if i sat for them and regretful that i hadn’t worked harder this semester to be ready. 

after the announcement, i didn’t feel that much better because i was now feeling afraid that my grant-provider would still make me do it remotely seeing as i have a grad timing requirement to keep, hopeful that i wouldn’t meet the minimum requirements to do it, guilt that i was that selfish despite being privileged enough to have the capability to do it, nervous now that i might have to study alone seeing as the rest of my friends have had their exams deferred, impending doom that i won’t be able to study alone and prepare, guilt again because the rest of them probably worked hard to prepare for the finals and had it cancelled through no fault of their own and a general anxiousness about the plethora of emotions going through me.

idk how to even end this blogpost because i feel like shit and idk what to do.